Sunday, January 4, 2009

Um... Okay...

RICK: Oooh, yes, I know this one! Ummm, oh God, it's on the tip of mytongue. Ummmmm, ahhhh, no, it's no good. You'll have to tell me, Michael.
MIKE: Matt Smith.
RICK: Oh, Matt Smith, of course! Wait a minute. Brilliant thespian and heir to David Tennant as the Eleventh Doctor Who? Matt Smith? Are you sure, Michael?
MIKE: Of course I'm sure. It's was only on Doctor Who Confidential just now.



Matt Smith?!


MATT SMITH?!!?


Surely it will be "Matthew Smith" for the opening credits, though. Try sounding impressive by saying "AND MATT SMITH AS... THE DOCTOR". It doesn't work. Not enough syllables to sound important. Probably the same way other Doctors weren't credited as Bill Hartnell, Pat Trout, Pete Moffet, or Dave Ten Inch.


Still, I can't complain. I went to bed in a cold sweat the new bloke would be Mark Gatiss, but now I can console myself that instead something not dissimilar to the scene with Lorne and Linsday in the final episode of Angel occured between Moffat and Gatiss ("I could audition for you if you like!" "I've already SEEN you 'act'." BLAM! BLAM!! "That's for Jekyll. Goodnight folks.") And it wasn't Russell Tovey either. Seriously, RTD, you fancy him? I mean, I could comprehend Spara fancying Rickitt but come on...


Mind you, looking at the almosts I think we might have missed out. The BBC found the most Doctorish of scenes from Survivors with Patterson Joseph (Paddy Joe as we'd no doubt call him) inviting a gang of obvious emotionally crippled loonbags to travel with him in his van which can magically fit the entire cast inside. Yes, we weren't worried about the new guy being black, but that historicals could get incredibly awkward and tedious. Oh, but surely that meant a surfiet of future and alien planet stories!


And I still think Kris Marshall would have worked.


Meantime, reactions seem to be mixed over the new bloke. Spara fancies him rotten and has given him a to do list which consists of "Do everything David Tennant did but act like Jon Pertwee", while Mad Larry considers this another stick to beat Moffat with on the grounds that when Stevie said he wanted an older Doctor, Larry didn't bother to listen to the rest of the sentence ("but that's out of the question cause the schedule would kill him, so he'll be under 40"). OG seem to find him too young and there is certainly a bit of a vibe that he's not exactly the antimatter opposite of his predecessor.


I mean...




We're talking recast more than we're talking regeneration, you dig?


Still, there are hints that this could be the start of something good. Moffat's too much of a fan to make the 11th a copy of the 10th (this is a guy who can't see a harp without thinking of The Five Doctors), and both he and Tennant mumble that the new Doctor's youthful virility is part of a dodgy regeneration and an ongoing story element. Plus of course, a younger Doctor means we can nail him to the floor and make sure he doesn't do a runner like the last lot.


Yeah.

The only question is... how to kill the Tenth Doctor who has survived
  • rapid old age
  • having your face transformed by a Time Lord
  • being gangbanged by scarecrows
  • absorbing ridiculous amounts of radiation
  • been shot by a Dalek
  • fallen off tall buildings
  • been poisoned
  • banged his head on the TARDIS console
  • walking into armed crossfire
  • letting human doctors work on him
  • fought a Dalek Empire at the height of its power
  • absorbed the power of the time vortex
And those are just the ones that killed in the other nine guys. There's also
  • Had his limbs hacked off
  • Walked into a plague pit
  • Been electrocuted
  • Fallen into Hell
  • Turned into a drawing
  • Had his blood sucked out
  • Had one of his hearts stopped by voodoo
  • Lingered in poisonous car exhaust fumes
  • Repeatedly begged Daleks to shoot him
  • Been possessed by a sentient sun
  • Died of old age as a human
  • Caught in the epicentre of the exploding Vesuvious
  • Faced an army of pissed off Ood
  • Tried to blow up a Sontaran battle fleet
  • Been possessed by a crystalline parasite
Not to mention all the books/comics/audios he's done. I mean, maybe RTD's claims the Tenth will die when a radioactive piano falls on his head are true...? Oh, and I think the Tenth's final words should be a quote from The Hilltop Hoods' Nosebleed Section:

This life turned out nothing like I had planned...

Updated to add that after the amazing sight of Mr. Smith on the ABC news (even dwelling on his prior association with Billie Piper), it's struck me that there's other Ben Elton material worth parodying...

Blackadder: Well, Mrs. Miggins, at last we can return to sanity. The hustings are over, the bunting is down, the mad hysteria is at an end. After the chaos of choosing a new Doctor, we can return to normal.
Mrs. Miggins: Oh, have they chosen a new Doctor, then, Mr. Blackadder?
Blackadder: Indeed, they have, Mrs. Miggins.
Mrs. Miggins: Oh, well, I never had a say in it.
Blackadder: Well of course you didn't.
Mrs. Miggins: Well, I may have the brain the size of a sultana...
Blackadder: Correct...
Mrs. Miggins: ...but it hardly seems fair to me.
Blackadder: Of course it's not fair -- and a damn good thing too. Give the like of Baldrick the choice of the Doctor and we'll be back to Tom Baker, UNIT dating and Keff McCulloch official soundtracks.
Baldrick: Oh, I've got one of them on my ipod.
Mrs. Miggins: Oh, you'd better watch out, Mr. Blackadder -- things are bound to change.
Edmund: Not while RTD's executive producer, they aren't. He's about as effective as a catflap in an elephant house. As long as his feet are warm and he gets a nice cup of milky tea in the sun before his morning nap, he doesn't bother anyone until his potty needs emptying.
Baldrick: But isn't Steven Moffat the executive producer now?
Blackadder: Ah yes. I think the expression rhymes with 'clucking bell'.
Matt Smith: Members of the press, I shall be brief, as I have, rather unfortunately, become Doctor Who right in the middle of my exams. I look forward to fulfilling my destiny in a manner of which Nanny would be proud. I shall introduce character traits to utterly destroy three main enemies of Doctor Who: the first is that evil dictator, Davros and the Daleks. The second is my old Geography master, Benonabreast Switchanks. But most of all, sirs, I intend to pursue that utter slob, Lawrence Miles! Therefore, my three main priorities are: 1) removing the Daleks for good; 2) the Master being revealed as a geography teachers; and 3) a Love & Monsters type episode where Miles, not Levine is the poor sucker to be crucified...

4 comments:

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

So... the guy who wrote Full Circle is the new Doctor?

Oh, shit that's ANDREW Smith. I knew that joke was too good to work.

Well, never heard of him but that's hardly surprising. Not too impressed from what I've seen but judging on photos is what led me to believe Colin Baker was rubbish before seeing a single episode.

Also, I appreciate your patriotism but I think it's highly unlikely that David Tennant will go quoting Hilltop Hoods quoting Powderfinger. It would be wonderfully esoteric, though.

Youth of Australia said...

So... the guy who wrote Full Circle is the new Doctor?
Oh, shit that's ANDREW Smith. I knew that joke was too good to work.

I am still giddy with relief it wasn't MG. Really I am. Mind you, I am finding this rather difficult to take in, seeing what looks like a guest presenter from Rage captioned "The Eleventh Doctor", seemingly unable to string a sentence together and looking like he's come straight from the background scenes of Ashes to Ashes.

To be fair, he comes across as a lovely bloke and he HAS got the ability to do the "walk-in-eternity-looking-into-the-void" expression, which they show rather craply at the end of a reedit of DT's "Thanks for the Memories" montage (tragically omitting your favorite bit... but keeping Peri, would you believe).

Well, never heard of him but that's hardly surprising. Not too impressed from what I've seen but judging on photos is what led me to believe Colin Baker was rubbish before seeing a single episode.
He's in the show on just before Hustle on Tuesday nights.

Also, I appreciate your patriotism but I think it's highly unlikely that David Tennant will go quoting Hilltop Hoods quoting Powderfinger. It would be wonderfully esoteric, though.
Come on, those are brilliant last words for a Doctor! The only other half-decent ones I've ever read is him with half his body blown away assuring his companion giddily, "Trust me, I'm gonna come out of this smelling like roses..."

I'd hate it to be something crap like "Allonzee" or "This time, ginger, definitely..."

Odd how he was only put into that gambling pool less than three hours before it was revealed he had the job...

Jared "No Nickname" Hansen said...

I am still giddy with relief it wasn't MG. Really I am.

He was in the pool, was he?

(Assuming you mean Mark Gatiss rather than Matthew Graham)

To be fair, he comes across as a lovely bloke and he HAS got the ability to do the "walk-in-eternity-looking-into-the-void" expression, which they show rather craply at the end of a reedit of DT's "Thanks for the Memories" montage (tragically omitting your favorite bit... but keeping Peri, would you believe).

I can't actually remember what my favourite bit was, now..

He's in the show on just before Hustle on Tuesday nights.

Yeah, I know he's in Party Animals. I've just never watched a second of it. Don't know if you've noticed but I don't watch anywhere near as much TV as you do. Didn't see a frame of Myles Barlow or even Hustle itself. The only reason I've watched a lot of TV this Summer is because there's been a test series on and we've got a stack of DVDs for Christmas.

Come on, those are brilliant last words for a Doctor! The only other half-decent ones I've ever read is him with half his body blown away assuring his companion giddily, "Trust me, I'm gonna come out of this smelling like roses..."

Lol, that's very in character.

I'd hate it to be something crap like "Allonzee" or "This time, ginger, definitely..."

The over use of Allonzee does piss me off. Why did both he and Morrissey shout it at the same time? It means 'come on', does it not? Where they trying to say 'come and have a go if you think you're hard enough'?
And, yeah, they should let the ginger thing go.

Odd how he was only put into that gambling pool less than three hours before it was revealed he had the job...

Insider info!

Youth of Australia said...

He was in the pool, was he?
Not high up, but he was in it. In the late 90s he would have won hands down. I remember lots of letters to DWM fawning all over him: "He can act, write, direct... he should the representitive of Doctor Who!"

Some sane voice quietly noted, "Shouldn't THE DOCTOR be the representitive of Doctor Who?"

Course, that lead to the infamous "Crusade/Bab 5 is Doctor Who only better" stuff many likened to "seeing something in colour and refusing to watch black and white ever again..."

I can't actually remember what my favourite bit was, now..
Carrionite: They come! THEY COME!
(Zoe lies on the spinning console)
(Fourth Doctor double takes)

Yeah, I know he's in Party Animals. I've just never watched a second of it. Don't know if you've noticed but I don't watch anywhere near as much TV as you do. Didn't see a frame of Myles Barlow or even Hustle itself. The only reason I've watched a lot of TV this Summer is because there's been a test series on and we've got a stack of DVDs for Christmas.
Oh. My bad.

You always seem so KNOWLEDGABLE.

Lol, that's very in character.
Which is why I like it.

The over use of Allonzee does piss me off. Why did both he and Morrissey shout it at the same time? It means 'come on', does it not? Where they trying to say 'come and have a go if you think you're hard enough'?
And, yeah, they should let the ginger thing go.

It was a joke about Chris Evans in 2005 (or else a joke about Battlefield) but either way...

I have to say when it comes to Allonzee it has penetrated my consciousness to the point I nearly had the Ninth Doctor say to hurry up. (Luckily I caught myself in time and had him quote Speedy Gonzalas instead...)

Insider info!
To be honest, if I were worried about the bookies, I'd have been really pissed off.

2004: Chris who?!
2005: Everyone knows its David Tennant, there are no other options
2009: Matt who?!

I think someone was trying to, for the first time have a sweepstake that was actually fair.