More Emotional Trauma

Once again, the Youth of Australia reflect my increasingly-fragmenting life...

 

 

 

[Andrew, Nigel and Dave are walking down the road. Andrew is reading Assimilation2.]

Andrew: [shakes head] Who writes this shit?

Dave: [in the middle of a story] ...and then he goes, "This is all your fault, Generation Y! You screwed everything up! Do you have any IDEA how often I fuck my wife?!" And his wife finds him on the computer and deletes all his accounts!

Nigel: Pity she left that insulting wikipedia article up.

Dave: Yeah, I know. But I think, if anyone clicks on the link to his blog, they won't find anything there and I can just refute the claims as a total badass.

 

[They approach a service station.]

 

Dave: OK, next order of the day, the weekly budget allowance.

 

Nigel: Pah. Why do we have to put all our money into one account, hmmm?

 

Dave: Because this way we can stop certain members of the household going apeshit on eBay and then defrauding Centrelink to the tune of thirty grand.

 

Nigel: Oh, that was ONE time! Besides, I paid it all back - with interest. Bastards never even thanked me.

 

Andrew: You know, we never did find out how you managed it.

 

Nigel: Didn't you? It was just that money I got when there was that raid on the art gallery...

 

[Wibbly-vision and harp music.]

 

Dave: Oh, ENOUGH of the bloody flashbacks! Right...

 

[They reach the ATM. Dave swipes the card and punches in the PIN.]

 

Dave: What do we want?

 

Nigel: Six hundred bucks - that's two hundred each.

 

Dave: [to Andrew] Can you believe he didn't get into two-unit advanced in maths for the HSC?

 

Andrew: Very easily. Get on with it Dave.

 

[Dave punches a few buttons.]

 

Dave: Wierd. Insufficient funds.

 

Andrew: Maybe the ATM doesn't have that much cash. Notch it down a bit, we'll make another withdrawal later.

 

Nigel: You're kidding, there's a fee involved!

 

Andrew: It's only two dollars! Here!

 

[Andrew shoves a gold coin into Dave's pocket.]

 

Andrew: Another economic miracle. Get on with it.

 

Dave: OK... three hundred bucks.

 

[Beep.]

 

Dave: Um, two fifty?

 

[Beep.]

 

Dave: Seventy-five?

 

[Beep.]

 

Dave: Twenty?!?

 

[Beep.]

 

Nigel: Oh, for crying out loud!

 

[Nigel punches some controls.]

 

Nigel: What's the balance?

 

[Beep.]

 

Dave: Seventeen bucks.

 

Nigel: That is not right. That cannot be right. There should be thirty times that!

 

Andrew: He's right!

 

[Andrew pulls out some unopened mail, tears it open and peers at a statement.]

 

Andrew: Yeah, this is less than a week ago. Closing balance... best part of seven grand!

 

Dave: [to Nigel] What have you done?

 

Nigel: Don't look at me! If someone's emptied the account, it has to have been in the last week. I, therefore have an alibi.

 

Dave: Yeah.

 

Nigel: So obviously it was one of you.

 

Andrew: Don't be stupid, Nigel.

 

Nigel: It wasn't us...

 

[Dave panics.]

 

Dave: Holy shit! Internet fraud! Someone's stolen all our cash!

 

Nigel: Maybe it's just a computer error...

 

[Andrew kicks the ATM.]

 

Andrew: The stupid thing's in perfect working order!

 

Dave: How could someone do that to us?

 

Nigel: It's you, Andrew, you never hide your PIN!

 

Andrew: I don't need to! As long as I've got the card, they can't use it!

 

[He shows them his visa card.]

 

Andrew: See?

 

Nigel: Well... I've still got mine.

 

Dave: Me too.

 

Nigel: So... how could someone have accessed our account to take all the cash?

 

Dave: Who cares? They have done! We're broke! Oh GOD!

 

Andrew: But what about my quarterly dietician bill?

 

Dave: And what about the fee for my psychotherapist?

 

Nigel: And I'm just out-and-out an acquisitive bastard! THIS IS SO UNFAIR!

 

Andrew: We've got to cancel our cards!

 

Dave: What?

 

[Andrew takes out a mobile and taps at it.]

 

Andrew: Hello? Yes, I... I know this is for lost and stolen cards... look, we checked our balance, it wasn't right, can you put me through to the right department? Yes, thank you. No. Go ahead.

 

[Beep-beep.]

 

Andrew: Hello? Call disconnected? She hung up on me!

 

Dave: THE BITCH!

 

Nigel: Oh, let me try, you over-folicled freak. [dials] Hello? Yes, there are irregularities in my account balance, can you put me through to... yes... enchante, sweetheart... uh huh... uh-huh... uh-huh...

 

[Nigel hangs up.]

 

Nigel: FUCKING HELL!!! We're not in business hours! And on a weekend!

 

Dave: Oh god! [dials] Hello, I want to cancel my cards please. Yeah. 5585 494 5859. Yes. Cancel them. Canceled? Good. And can you send out a replacement? Thank you.

 

[Dave hangs up.]

 

Dave: BULLSHIT! They can't even do that!

 

Andrew: The point is, our cards are cancelled.

 

Dave: Which means no one can possibly hack our account.

 

Nigel: Who'd want to? What evil enemy of ours would hack our account, steal everything except for less than twenty bucks, then COME BACK for it later?

 

Dave: I'm going to have a heart attack. This is it. It is all over. Can't breathe!

 

Andrew: Nigel.

 

Nigel: Andrew.

 

[Nigel holds Dave in place while Andrew dropkicks him. Repeatedly.]

 

Andrew: CALM! DOWN! CALM! DOWN! CALM! DOWN!

 

[Dave wheezes and nods, calm. Nigel punches him.]

 

Dave: I'm calm! I'm calm!

 

Nigel: I know, that was for the brilliant idea to share our account!

 

Andrew: Look, this isn't a big deal.

 

Dave: Big deal? WE HAVE JUST LOST ALL OUR CASH! We couldn't afford a Vote Mitt Romney T-shirt and bumper sticker! We cannot even get what we have from a machine!

 

Andrew: Nigel...

 

Dave: I'M CALM! BUT THIS IS STILL A BIG DEAL!

 

Andrew: Look, the bank lost our money. The insurance will pay out. They'll replace our cash.

 

Nigel: ...really?

 

Andrew: Yes. At least five thousand bucks of it, anyway. It's automatic.

 

Dave: ...you're not lying to a sick man are you?

 

Andrew: Course not! I mean, if it was over ten grand, we might be awkward, but it will be a simple way to put it back into the account.

 

Dave: So... we're going to be all right.

 

Nigel: Yeah, more or less.

 

Dave: Right.

 

[Relieved silence.]

 

Dave: But what if they don't pay up! What if the hacker fools them into thinking we took out the money?

 

Nigel: We canceled the cards when we found out!

 

Dave: That could be part of the scam! They'll think we're trying to defraud them!

 

Nigel: But we didn't!

Dave: THEY WON'T BELIEVE THAT! THERE'S NO JUSTICE IN THE WORLD!

Nigel: David! Why would we empty our accounts totally unexpectedly, then try and scam back possibly less than what we already had? It wasn't us. We are innocent.

Dave: So it's a thief?

Andrew: More than likely. And they aren't us.

 

[Another pause.]

Dave: So... we tell them the truth... and they believe us... and they put the money back...

Andrew: ...yeah...

Dave: ...what then? What's to stop it getting stolen? AGAIN?

Nigel: Look, don't panic, Dave! We can contact the credit union, we tell them what's what. Fill out a few forms, answer a few questions, we'll be fine.

Dave: Except we all need new cards.

Andrew: OK, an extra week here or there. This is just, you know. A dry patch.

Dave: So... the best case scenario is... we are completely broke for the next month.

[Beat.]

Nigel: Pretty much.

[Beat.]

Nigel: So...

Andrew: You still got that two dollars I gave you, Dave?

Dave: Yeah. Why?

[Andrew and Nigel slowly turn to look at Dave. Dave pales. Then he sprints.]

Dave: I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE!!!!!